6 months in

RebeccaUncategorized1 Comment

Something crazy happened this last week: We hit the 6 month mark.

6 months in, but there’s still three to go.

I honestly can’t decide how to feel about it.  I mean, maybe if I had time to think about it, I would, but I don’t.  This last month went by so fast I caught whiplash, and left me seriously wondering where it ran off to.  Has it really been a month?

Jason’s been gone six months, which usually brings mid-tour for us.  No such thing this time.  I’m looking at the calendar, and my heart is rebelling, thinking he should be home for a visit right now, screaming at me like:

Of course, I have to remind my impatient heart that we’ve traded mid-tour for a shorter tour, which I’m thankful for, but there’s something brutal about passing this mark without that beautiful breather, those two weeks to relax and savor the company of one another.  It’s two weeks where I don’t wonder where he is, what he’s doing, where I can curl up into his lap and watch a movie, and not care if someone knocks on the door.  I guess I’m just… exhausted.

This kinda sucks.

I miss the way he smells, well, not after a day of flying, but just normally.  I miss the feel of his arms around me after a long day, and the sound of his voice coming through the door just in time for dinner.  I miss the little things he does for me that mean so much, like picking up milk so I don’t have to drive in the snow (we all know I’m a chicken), or tackling the boys to the ground in a wrestling match so I can have 15 uninterrupted minutes to myself.  I miss rolling over in the morning to the sight of his face on his pillow, and I’d even risk enough to say I miss the sound of his snoring.

I miss kisses.  Sweet Lord, do I miss kisses.

I see him on Skype, and all I want to do is pull him through the screen and back into our lives.  
And I’m thankful for technology.  I’m thankful for his ability to skype in when DSS is visiting to check on our Little Miss.  I’m thankful for the ability to see him, and hear his voice at the same time, which is a heck of a lot more than we had 10 years ago.  But there’s something about seeing him there that makes me miss him so much more.

I’m wearing down, little bit by little bit, like a battery that’s simply lost its energy, and there’s no charging station in sight.  Every day brings a new challenge, but also a new joy, and it’s a struggle to balance the awesome with the not-so-awesome.

Six months in, and if there was a white flag in sight, I would be waiving it.

Or a white bottle.  I’d be tipping it up…

But still, we’re pushing through this.  I woke up this morning and realized that it’s the First of November.  Another month down, another month closer to Jason’s homecoming.  It’s the month of Chase’s birthday, and Thanksgiving, and Christmas shopping: Three things that make me miss Jason more, but I’m determined to smile through for these little people we’ve created.

 So we do crazy things, like drive 90 minutes to watch the hometown team, Colorado College, play hockey in Potsdam.  It’s nuts, taking 5 kids solo to a hockey game, but they were so good, and behaved so well, and I had such an amazing time with my kids.  I think they had a good time too…  😉

This is before Littles Hockey practice.  They’re always rockin’ the Tigers.  So imagine their faces when we drive for 90 min, I pull up at Clarkson University and pull out their Jerseys???  Yeah, they were pretty much like THIS the whole night:

Giant smiles, happy boys.  Happy girl too, in her CC Jersey and bow, but I can’t post her pics, so just imagine all sorts of sunshine and smiles.  😉  Basically, there are things that are happening here that I have to choose to enjoy, to thrive through, because our kids deserve it.

Mama does too.

So yeah, back to this being November: It’s also the month of the recommit for me.

We’ve had our Princess Pumpkin here for a month today, who is just so exquisitely…well…  perfect here that I can barely believe it’s been a full month.  She’s growing so quickly, filling out, taking more food, and I’m loving squishing those cheeks, especially with the pound we’ve put on her. The boys are madly in love, and I’m pretty sure she never touches the ground; they’re always lined up to hold her.  She’s settling into a routine, which makes it possible for me to get out of “Oh-My-God-Our-Baby-Is-Here” shock, and start getting our routine in shape.

It’s the month to buckle down with writing, both keeping up on the blog, and tackling that beast called NaNoWriMo.  Lord have mercy.  You’ll get a separate post on this madness, because it’s basically a month that starts like:

Then goes to:
And basically ends up like:
Right.  Write.  Whatever.  
Everything has gone catywhompas (yeah, that’s right, I even confused spellcheck on that one), and I love it.  I love having our “for-now” baby girl.  I’m grateful for every single second we get to experience her life.  But now it’s time to straighten back out and get down to business, baby girl in tow.  😉
It’s getting back to running, even if it means using the YMCA daycare instead of running solo, and working that in, because I can’t lose myself in this.
It’s ending the love affair I’ve developed with Chocolate again, because even if it’s paleo, that much chocolate isn’t good for ANYONE.  Damn.  I really do love that 85% chocolate with sea salt.  Sigh.  
It’s committing to be who I want, to digging the graceful soul out of me that’s been buried by deployment, and loss, and stress, and… well… everything, and embracing everything around me.
So hopefully you’ll be hearing a bit more from me this month, since I’m committing to getting back on this blog more than once a week.  Now, if someone could explain that to our Little Miss, right?  
Yes, we’re six months in, and I feel this wall looming ahead of me, ready to smack me down and drag me through the doldrums.  I feel like I keep hitting landmines, some of which I know are of my own making, but when it comes to this deployment and the 6 months blues?  Well, I say:
That’s right.  It’s November.  The month of awesomeness.  The month of re-commitment before this rollercoaster takes its final curve.  We’re close.  So close that I know that blinking light in the corner of my vision is really the end of the tunnel, telling me it’s coming if I can just keep pushing.  So I’ll push.  
3 more months.  Yeah.  I got this.  
Crap.  Right after I go bake these 4 dozen cupcakes for the hockey bake sale tomorrow that I forgot about, but Aidan just reminded me.
Okay November, your butt is mine, and watch out December, because I’m coming for you next.
So bring it, I have minions, and we’re ready to take you down.
And that’s 5 for now.  😉

One Comment on “6 months in”

  1. Mario Trucillo

    Hi there! I am reaching out in regards to a question I have for you and the possibility of working together on something. Please email me when you get a chance! Thank you so much! trucillo(dot)mario(at)gmail(dot)comMario

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