People often ask me what it’s like to write a book, or they are astonished at the accomplishment. Honestly, if you sit down and write a page a day, like I did during the last deployment, at the end of the year, you’d have a book. Well, you know, you have to have a plot and stuff too. So this is for you.
You start with an idea:
And then you begin to WRITE! And for the first half of your book, you’re all:
So you’re all happy-go-lucky, until you realize you have no idea what to do next.
If you want a publishing deal from one of the big six, who apparently like to merge, you need an agent. An AGENT? Who are these mysterious creatures you ask… Well, young Padawan, they are the gatekeepers to the traditional publishing industry, and without one… Well…
So to get an agent, you have to write a query letter… which is kind of like a small slice of Hell. No, seriously. It’s basically a letter that says how freaking awesome your book is without saying the words, “it’s awesome.” That’s a surefire way to end up on slushpilehell. So, you write this letter, which is pretty much you begging like :
And what you’d REALLY like to say is:
But you have to play it all cool and professional, so it’s more like:
So you send out your email to the cream of all agents like the novice you are,
and then you wait.
And you wait:
And you Wait….
And then, your email dings!!!!
And you kind of start to hyperventilate…
And you get rejected. Not just rejected, but form rejected. Like automatic click “send” response of “dear author” rejection, which says they’re sorry, but you kind of feel like they’re all:
So now, you’re all:
And the self-punishing voices in your head are telling you to have a freaking brownie already because:
So then you have a moment.
And maybe you have another one too.
But then you find yourself an awesome critique group who’s going through the same thing you are:
And that’s when you realize that since you know nothing about this industry, your book is about 100 pages too long, and you’ll have to cut about 1/4 of your book out if you want anyone to even look at you, you’re kind of like:
And part of you really wants to say:
But you know that if you want to get anywhere, you have to play by the rules the first go-round, so you sit down at your computer, take a look at your manuscript and say:
So you start killing your darlings, and attend a conference once you get the word count down. You know, where the unsuspecting agents walk in and the authors kind of like:
But then you get to meet with your dream agent, and it happens!!! You get a full request at the conference! And you’re all:
But they want edits. So you go home post-conference high, and for three weeks, you see nothing but the computer.
And when your husband comes home from work and asks you any type of question, the only thing that escapes your mouth comes out like:
But you’re getting there. So you hand it back to your critique partner, and she starts suggesting that you change more things and all you can think is:
But after you get past your initial laziness, you realize:
Damn it. She’s right. So you’re all:
So you make the changes, and you tell your critique group you’re ready to send it out, and they’re all:
So you hit “Submit.” And after you do that, another great agent requests the full! So being the awesome group of writers they are, now your critique group is all:
And now you’re back to…….
Yup, waiting about 3 months for all three parties to read the full. And that’s where we are now.
Welcome to being a writer.
Huge love to lifeinpublishing and titletocome, they keep me laughing and give me a place to steal awesome gifs. 😉