JRTC Journals Days 22-27 : Any day now

RebeccaUncategorized2 Comments

pillow-3

Yes, it’s been a while since a JRTC update.  Well, you know that sleeplessness we’d had in the house last update?  It went on for another few days, bringing the total to 6 sleepless nights.  I swear, it’s like there was a newborn in this house or something.

So I’m up at 1:00 with Chase.
2:00 am with Brody… and he’s singing…  What?

FloRida.  Yeah, because I’m like… the best mom ever.  Hey, we like to jam out in the car, and plus, I like to think it’s really this version he’s going for:

So I put him back to bed, and I go back to sleep myself.  You know, for about another hour or so, until he’s kicking the wall rhythmically in time with some Good Charlotte.  He’s moved onto Dance Floor Anthem.

So basically, now I’m all:

I’m up another two times in the next hour, and all I’m thinking is:

So back to bed he goes, again, and again, until all the kids are up around 5:30 and fighting before I can even get the coffee on.  And I’m thinking… This is too freaking early.

Where usually the house runs on a strict schedule, I’m up 2 hours early, vacuuming up an entire box of lucky charms off the kitchen floor, thinking:

Basically I’m sleep-deprived and slightly insane, just to put you into reference.  Now here’s the delightful part:  Jason was able to leave JRTC a day early.

And he says… “I should be home Thursday….”

So Thursday comes, and there’s weather… and he’s all… “I’ll be home Friday…”  One more day isn’t so bad, so now I’m all….

Well, Friday comes, and YUP… more bad weather, so he says, “I should be home tomorrow,” and now I’m all:

When really, what I’m thinking, is “Hey, HONEY, you’ve been gone almost four weeks, so could you get home because… well…”
So here is where it gets Messy.  Like disastrously messy.  I ask the boys to clean up their rooms because their dad will be home next week, and Aaron replies, “Sometimes, I don’t even miss Dad.  I mean, he’s never here, so it’s kind of like this is the normal.  Everything else is weird.”  
Oh.  My.  Holy.  Heartbreak.  
So why put this in here?  Why, when this month, this JRTC Journal Project, is supposed to be a funny look at our life?  
Because our life isn’t always funny, and there’s no way to make it that way.
And I know it’s not right.  I know Jason has no say in what he’s doing or when he’s doing it, but just for once, I want to say to Jason:  
So I tell Jason, because we’ve always agreed that 100% honest is the way to go.  And yes, he’s devastated.  But then, trying to make Aaron feel better, he breaks our cardinal rule.  He’s talking to Aaron on the phone, and I can hear what’s coming. Even though Jason can’t see me, I’m basically like: 
But like I said, he can’t see me, and tells Aaron that he’s trying to get home Tomorrow.  
And I get it, I know Jason wants to make Aaron feel better, and let him know that he’s trying his hardest to get back to him.  Why is this our cardinal rule?  Because you can’t depend on the Army.  We’ve learned not to tell the kids he’s coming until he’s in the bleepity-bleep-bleep-bleep driveway. So when he says, “I think we can make it tomorrow,” (Friday), I’m just like:

But the problem is: Now our little boy thinks it will happen.

So Friday… Oh Friday.  Friday, amazing things start happening for me with writing, and he’s not here.  He’s not here to celebrate with me.  And I realize, that in the last few years, I’ve graduated college, bought a house, moved into the house, dealt with a brain-tumor scare with Brody… and I’ve been alone.  And I have a slight breakdown on my friend, The Mad-Painter.  I know I’m not the first woman to do these things, and I realize how whiny it sounds, but while in the throes of it, well, it feels freaking awful.

And then Jason tells me he can’t make it home today… maybe tomorrow.  And then I’m all:

And usually, I’m pretty strong, and capable, and self-sufficient.  But just this time, I break down into tears, and all I’m saying to Jason is basically:

But then, I have to tell Aaron he won’t make today, and I’m kinda:

But I man-up and do it… and what does our precious almost-ten-year-old say?  “God, I hate him…  I mean, this.  I hate THIS.”

And now Mama is looking like this:

And Deeeeeeeep inside, she’s thinking This:

And I feel it, the resentment growing in him, and this time… I don’t blame him.  Jason’s deploying soon, and every day he spends weather delayed is one less day we get with him, and one day closer to deployment.  The weather is literally stealing our time.

But what do we do?  We’re military wives, so we hug our kids, and tell them we understand. We tell them that it’s okay to be angry, which it is.  Why?  Because they’re tiny humans, and they deserve to have those emotions validated.  
It’s Saturday, and did he make it home???
  And though he’s only been gone four weeks, this close to deployment it feels like a year… 
Tomorrow is Sunday, and maybe he’ll make it home, and maybe he won’t.  But I’m going to wake up and say: 
I’m going to kiss my kids, and I’m going to hope for the best.  Because he’s missing a major life event for me right now, and I desperately need to believe that he’ll be here soon.  Why?  Because I have: 
  Because sometimes, that hope is all we have when nothing is in our control, and hope is what keeps us holding on.  

And because of that, we both tell the kids seven more years.  Seven more years and he will be retired.  No more deployments or TDY’s….  No more waiting.

And as usual, he’ll be home any day now… and then I plan on sleeping, because Mama’s caught the cold she’s been tending on the boys.    

2 Comments on “JRTC Journals Days 22-27 : Any day now”

  1. notesfromthebackseat

    Our kids have special needs, My daughter and myself have forms of autism and my son is showing some traits but is currently in therapy for speech issues. Before my husband deployed, he played Skyrim on Xbox a lot. The kids got used to the dragons and thought it was cool that daddy was fighting dragons… In connection with the book "Hero Dad" that the kids already had and love, we told them that daddy was at "Super Hero Training Camp" during JRTC and that when he deployed it was because "It's his turn to be a superhero and fight the dragons. He has to fight nine dragons and it takes one month to plan each battle, that's why he'll be gone for nine months. And when daddy comes home, it will be someone else's turn to be a superhero because it's nice to share and take turns so everyone gets to be a hero." This explanation still works on my son, who last weekend told my husband that he (my son), at age three, was going to Afghanistan to help daddy fight the dragons. (How sweet?!) The heartbreak comes when my husband can't call for weeks at a time and my daughter begins to cry a lot. She tells me she's worried about daddy because if the dragons eat his phone "he'll never be able to call ever again and that's a long time." 🙁 I honestly don't know how we do it. Even after all these months, finding out the dates for our next deployment barely two months into this first one, I still don't know how we, military wives, do it… It's much too much most days and yet we still manage to hold our heads high enough for no one to see the tears.

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