Oh yeah. It’s funk time.
I’ve been home from Colorado now for almost 3 weeks, and I’m still pulling myself out of the “Just-left-my-family-post-holiday-still-under-a-quarter-of-this-blanking-deployment” funk. I’ve never been away from my family during a deployment, and usually when I get the “woe is me’s” I just head to my parents for popcorn, a movie, and adult conversation. But they’re 1,816 miles away. Who’s counting? Me. Then there’s Christmas. The last two times Jason has deployed, he’s come home in February or March. So Christmas has always been our last hurdle before reunion. It was kind of a sigh that we would both make and say, “look, baby, we made it!” But this time, Christmas came two months into deployment. Instead of jumping the hurdle, I feel like I tripped and skinned my face on that abrasive crap they use for high school tracks.
Oh yes, I’m am wallowing in a world of self-pity right now. And please, don’t give me any bright and chipper suggestions on how to pull out of it. That’s like making faces at a hungry lion from the supposed safety of a safari jeep. I have no qualms about eating you. Just watch from a distance and you’ll be safe.
There have been about 20 blogs that have been buzzing around my head that I need to write, but I have a severe lack of motivation. You see, I write to clear my head. Not that I don’t take you guys into account, because sometimes I do, but mostly, it just clears the fog and focuses the thoughts that ramble around in here. This funk has had me when I can’t even focus to write.
Add in Fort Drum weather. Good God. When we heard we were coming to Drum, we received the sympathy of many a military folk. Honestly, I’m quite happy here. Sure, I’m not too keen on my house, and I’ve become FAR too intimately acquainted with my snow blower, but it’s beautiful, and if you really know me, then you know that I can be happy anywhere you put me as long as I have my boys. But this place, in the winter, is brutal. It was -14 degrees this morning! I find myself scheduling my commissary trips not according to pay day, but according to snow storms and sunny days. I’ve pretty much given up ever making plans, and I’m embracing my inner snow-bound hermit. But hey, my shoulders are getting quite toned from shoveling the walk-way. I’ll look killer in a tank-top by the time summer rolls around.
And I miss Jason.
That missing is this relentless ache in my heart that is dull in the morning and crescendos into sharp pains by the time the house quiets at night. We’re about to hit the 1/4 mark, but geeze, if I miss him this much already, I can’t imagine the psychotic state I’ll be in when midtour greets us in 10 weeks. I can’t focus on that yet, or I’ll drive myself insane imagining how I’m going to jump into his arms the minute he gets off that plane. Sigh.
Oh, I have my share of cursing at him during this funk too. Times like this week when I managed to get our riding snow blower stuck in a snow drift, and it took me 45 minutes to get that thing out, only to have Jason ask me TODAY if I remembered to pull the pin that would put it in neutral. I’m sorry, huh? Just another tidbit of information that got lost in the “I’m Deploying here’s all the info you need” conversation. Yes, I knew there was a pin, no I had no idea what it actually did. Thanks, babe. But I can’t get too mad at him, because with every conversation I remind myself that it could be the last time I get to talk to him. Ever. So it’s “yeah, I’m mad, but I still love you more than I hate the snow blower.”
So, yes, I’m in a funk. No, there’s nothing you can do, or say, and I’m okay with it. It’s a cyclical thing, and I’m embracing my small pity-party, because I know it’s coming to an end. I know that this is not as good as it gets, and I know I’ll pull myself out of it, tomorrow, the day after, or maybe next week. Heck, I may even leave the house for purely social reasons! I’ll climb back into my groove and remember these few weeks as that “Ugh” phase. Yep, pretty soon I’ll hit you with a harder come-back than John Travolta after Pulp Fiction. But right now, just steer clear for a bit and let me find my footing again. Right now I have flying monkeys, and I’m not afraid to use them….